Don't know what to do when you wake up? Steak. Up.
Amount of time spent listening to Drake up? Steak up.
You might be asking yourself: why would he put a picture with vegetables in this clearly steak-biased piece? Doesn't he have the whole world of Google Images at his fingertips and the ability to hand-pick one of six billion pictures of steak available? If you noticed the vegetables, you definitely need to steak up. Brussels-sprout a pair, buddy.
I found myself flummoxed recently. Broken hearted and moping around, I was weak, bereft of all of the power I once felt. My world lacked contrast and seemed to be a collection of grey hues and rain clouds. And then, as if delivered from the dream gods, I woke up and the solution was sizzling on the edge of my tongue. It's not every day that a man comes up with an idea that could change the world. Much less one that is delivered through whatever recent dream-god-technology is out there without any previous prayers or even acknowledging of the existence of said gods. But let us not make this all about them, for they are humble gods, and I'm from a generation of entitlement.
I got in my car one morning, drove to the store and picked up a pair of Rib-eyes. I slapped them on the cutting board and as I applied the kosher salt and cracked black pepper, I felt a change in my demeanor. By the time the grill had been sufficiently heated I already felt my moribund day reviving.
Did you know that 93% of people aren't getting enough steak in
their diets?1 I could just point out with anecdotal evidence
how awesome steak made me feel and offer up testimonial after testimonial of
proud steak eaters, but that would just be too easy. And my friends are taking
their sweet time writing fake testimonials. Lazy writers.
Protein. You may
have heard of it. Protein is responsible for things like preserving muscle
tissue, supporting brain function, providing energy, and boosting your immune
system. Another interesting thing about high protein foods is that they
increase satiety and decrease appetite. In short, they satisfy you. But if
things like cell growth and repair aren't important enough to you, steak offers
other benefits.
Steak is a great
source of: phosphorus, selenium, vitamin B12, zinc, iron, niacin, vitamin
B6(yes, that's ANOTHER B vitamin), and riboflavin. Steak is also a great
source of saturated fat, which has a bad reputation but current science shows
is actually good for you.
Practical Application
I know this is somewhat mind blowing due its simplicity and you’re
wondering how to get started. Rather than bore you with a bunch of statistics I made up, I'm going to show you how to employ the philosophy in your own life. Don’t hold off, there’s time to make up. Steak
up. Here’s some sample scenarios in which steaking-up can help you.
Problem 1: You’re attempting to get re-elected as
the President of the United States. In your first political debate against your
opponent, you come out looking soft. Your opponent uses half-truths and some
solid tip-toeing around questions to win the debate in the eyes of the public.
Your supporting group of democrats start losing faith, the country is at risk
of handing the reins to a Mormon. Time to steak up.
Recommend dosage:
One steak chili sourdough bowl from Claim Jumper. Note the way the
steak is overflowing from the edible bowl. When you're trying to figure out how much steak to eat, some key words are: overflowing, gluttonous, retarded, or Herculean amounts.
Problem 2: You’re watching Netflix with your
boyfriend and he gets a text message. You want to look, but you don’t want to
seem jealous. You ask who it is and he says, “oh just a friend.” He announces
that he has to “use the restroom” because after two years together he still
doesn’t feel comfortable telling you that he’s got to take a shit. You see his
phone sitting on the night stand and don’t know what to do. There’s potentially
a bitch out there trying to step on your territory.
Recommended Dosage:
5 oz. bacon wrapped filet. That’s right, ladies can steak up too. Jealousy
doesn’t look good on anyone. Chances are you know whether your man is cheating
on you or not. Imagine if Miles Davis was looking down from heaven on your
every move and saw you looking like a sneak trying to check your boyfriend’s
texts? You don’t want to disappoint Miles Davis, do you? Eat your filet and
search your own heart for the answers. And if he’s cheating on you, use those
protein filled muscles to punch him in the dick.
Problem 3: You’re heart broken. You’ve been left in
the cold by a girl you thought was the one. You’ve begged and pleaded for her
to take you back, promising you’ll conform to whatever would make her happy.
You tell her you’ll even stop watching football with the boys and drinking so
much. She doesn’t waver, so you go to the last resort, the mix tape. The first
song you put on there is “Wonderful Tonight” by Eric Clapton. The next is “Hey
there Delilah” by the Plain White T’s.
Recommended Dosage:
Prime rib. As much of it as you can eat. Listen buddy, she doesn’t
want to be with you anymore. Chances are if you somehow manage to get her to
stay with you for a couple more months, she’s going to be having sex with the
guy she really wants to be having sex with anyways. It’s time to realign your
steak chakras and get back out there. Do something amazing. Don’t even worry
about getting a new girl, just work on your steak intake as well as time
management and following your passion.
As evidenced here, there are many varieties of steak and various
uses for them all. It doesn’t take an expert to diagnose and prescribe, it’s a
trial and error process. But I am here for questions. This is merely an
introduction into the philosophy that changed my life, and could change yours
too.
Coming
Soon: The Steak Scale.
1) lol
